


waiting game

by eliottlallemants



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety Attacks, Flirting, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, eliott/lucille wont be a big focus dw, falling in love two different ways, gays pretending to be het
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:00:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25102819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eliottlallemants/pseuds/eliottlallemants
Summary: Lucas Lallemant has it together. Really. He might have chosen a ridiculously hard major while still being in the closet from everyone in his life and also be forced to beg his absent father for money to live, but he can handle it, really.Until Eliott Demaury, his very straight crush, starts to work with him and things become a lot more complicated.Good thing Lucas has an anonymous friend that he can share everything with.
Relationships: Eliott Demaury/Lucas Lallemant, Eliott Demaury/Lucille (SKAM France)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 84





	waiting game

**Author's Note:**

> this is an idea I have had ever since I traveled to Iceland last summer, and I'm glad to finally have the first chapter done and up!! (oops at me for abandoning it for literal months). hope you enjoy! title from a banks song btw :)
> 
> tw for this chapter: slight mention of suicidal thoughts, sharing of mental health struggles

Lucas was here again. Here being COX, a gay club far away enough from Lucas’s apartment that he didn’t fear being seen by someone he knows, but close enough that the public transit journey there was reasonable. Lucas came here whenever he could, which was typically once or twice a week. Sometimes he had enough money left over from his feeble earnings from his job at a local coffee shop to afford it on his own, and sometimes he had to rely on his flirting skills to get the drinks he so needed after a long week of being fake Lucas. 

The thing was, COX was the only place where Lucas actually felt like he could be himself, as pathetic as that might seem. This was the reason why Lucas made a point of going as often as he could. Lucas still wasn’t out and thus, he still spent most of his time wearing a mask- feigning attraction to the girls his friends so gleefully discussed and getting drunk at bars and parties just so he could stomach the feeling of a girl’s lips against his own.

Lucas had even had a girlfriend once- his best friend Yann had made a casual comment wondering why Lucas had never had a girlfriend and thrown into a panic that his friend was suspicious, Lucas had quickly gone out and romanced Sara, a girl he had drunkenly made out with at a party a few weeks prior. However, this relationship was short-lived, as Lucas was unwilling (and unable) to go beyond kissing and his “I want to wait” excuses eventually led to Sara dumping him, believing that Lucas must have been cheating on her and getting sex elsewhere. Lucas would be lying if he said Sara breaking up with him wasn’t a relief. 

But back to present- COX. Lucas had ended up here again on a Saturday night. Nothing special had happened to precipitate this visit. He just needed the break from his life, the space to be himself. In a weird way, the flashing neon lights and the jostling crowd all around him were soothing. Yes, he could be free here, but he could also hide. No one really knew who Lucas was, and no one really cared. He didn’t have to deal with any well-meaning questions about how he was doing and if he wanted to talk. He could just blend in and be one of the many anonymous faces in the crowd. 

Lucas had gotten to the club not long ago and had spent his whole time thus far hanging around the bar, waiting for someone to approach him. It was one of the times where he had come short on cash and had to rely on getting his drinks bought for him. It wasn’t too hard- Lucas knew he was attractive enough so all it took was a few friendly smiles and within no time, he was being approached by a guy who was standing a bit further down the bar.

As the guy made his way over to Lucas, Lucas looked him over appraisingly. He wasn’t really Lucas’ type- blonde when Lucas was typically into brunettes and short when Lucas usually preferred taller guys. But he was definitely good looking- his green eyes were beautiful as the neon lights hit them and he had a striking smile. And besides, Lucas was just looking for a good time tonight, not a boyfriend or anything, and he was sure that this guy would be able to provide that for him.

“You’re cute.” were the guy’s first words to Lucas. Lucas resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Not even a hi or anything? Okay then. 

“Thanks. You’re pretty hot yourself.” 

“Are you here alone?” 

Lucas looked around himself in an exaggerated way as to emphasize the fact that he was clearly standing there by himself, causing the stranger to laugh. 

“Nope,” Lucas replied. “Just me tonight.” 

“Guess I get you all to myself then. Name’s Adrien, by the way.” 

“Lucas.” 

“Well, Lucas, can I get you something to drink? Then maybe a dance?” 

“Beer’s fine. Then we can discuss that dance.” Lucas smiled and lifted his eyebrows suggestively- his go-to flirting move. It seemed to work as Adrien’s smile widened before he gave Lucas a wink as he signaled to the bartender that he wanted a drink. Within a few minutes, the bartender had a beer poured and given to Adrien, which Adrien then in turn presented to Lucas. 

“So Lucas, tell me a bit about yourself,” Adrien said after Lucas had taken a sip of his beer. “Do you go to university around here? You seem pretty young.”

“Yeah, I’m at university. First year, just started last semester.” 

“That’s cool. I’m in school too, but last year.”

Lucas knows the polite thing to do would have been to ask what university Adrien went to, but he didn’t actually want to know. This was all just meaningless small talk anyway, the prologue to the main event that would come later. So instead, Lucas redirected the conversation to television shows and other banal topics as they continued to drink.

After a few drinks and when Lucas was finally feeling tipsy, Adrien grabbed his hand and pulled him to the dance floor. They spent some time dancing and grinding up against each other, Lucas allowing himself to get lost in the beat of the music and the feeling of Adrien’s body against his own. This was the exact feeling that kept Lucas returning to the club: the feeling that nothing else mattered, except what was happening in that moment. The noise of the music, the flash of the lights, the feeling of other bodies against his own. And when Adrien leaned forward to whisper in Lucas’s ear and ask if he wanted to get out of there and go back to his place, Lucas was reminded of the other reason why he went to COX.

\----------

Lucas woke up the next morning to the sound of someone knocking on his door. He groaned into his pillow, frustrated at his sleep being disturbed. He had gotten home late last night after hooking up with the guy from COX (What was his name again? Alex? Antoine? Whatever, it wasn’t like Lucas was going to see him again) and had only gotten a few hours of sleep maximum. Not to mention, Lucas could already feel the beginning of a raging hangover- his head was pounding and his mouth dry. 

“Leave me alone.” Lucas grunted, hoping whoever it was would listen and let him go back to sleep. 

“Let me in, kitten. I need to talk to you about something.”

Upon hearing who it was, Lucas let out another groan. It was Mika, one of his roommates and not someone who listened to people’s requests about wanting to be alone. Lucas knew trying to get him to go away was futile and so, after allowing himself another ten seconds of laying there, he rolled out of his bed and went to answer the door. 

“Late night?” Mika said as soon as Lucas opened the door, breezing in past him to sit on the bed and make himself comfortable. 

“Yeah.” 

“Back to that club of yours? What is it called again?” 

Lucas rubbed a hand over his face and resisted the urge to groan again. He was really not in the mood to have this conversation again with Mika. 

“Mika, not today. Please.”

“What’s wrong, kitten? I’m just asking questions about your life. Did you meet someone last night? Is that why you tried to sneak back in so late? Doing a little walk of shame?”

So: Mika was the only person who knew about Lucas being gay. It was an accident, really- Lucas had never officially come out to him. But one night, after another trip to COX fueled by anger at his father, Lucas got so fucked up that he screwed up and let one of his hookups come back to his place, rather than insisting that he go to theirs instead. 

The next morning, Lucas had woken up to discover said hookup in the kitchen, talking with Mika. Considering his hookup was only in his boxers and was speaking with Mika about how he had met Lucas in a gay club, Lucas really couldn’t deny anything when Mika came asking questions a few hours later once the hookup had finally gotten the hint and left. Luckily, Mika had been nothing but supportive and kind, and in a way, Lucas was happy to have at least one person he could be open with. It helped that Mika was also gay and could relate to him in a way his other male friends could not. 

However, what Lucas did not enjoy about Mika knowing about his sexuality was the occasional interrogations he was subject to as a result. 

“Mika, drop it, please. I’m really not in the mood to discuss this again.”

“Lucas, I just want to see you happy again after what happened with Ethan. You know that. And I don’t think going to these gay clubs and finding meaningless hookups is the solution.”

At the mention of Ethan, Lucas could feel anxiety creeping into his body. The sharp prick in his fingers. The slight tremble of his lip. The creeping sense of panic seeping into the back of his mind. The beginning sensation of pounding blood in his ears. Lucas quickly spoke again before the anxious feelings could overwhelm him.

“Mika. Drop. It.”

Mika sighed and nodded to show that he understood. Feeling comforted that he didn’t have to deal with that conversation one more time, at least not right now, Lucas spoke again.

“So, what did you need to talk about?”

“It’s about the rent. I know what you’re dealing with with your dad, but Lisa and I really can’t afford to keep covering your part, I’m sorry.” 

“Fuck, Mika. I had no clue you and Lisa did that. Why didn’t you tell me?” Lucas felt embarrassed. Not only did his friends and roommates know exactly how shitty his father was, but they had also been covering his part of the rent without him knowing? 

“It was only one month, kitten. You were so stressed and overwhelmed with exams last month, you must have just forgotten and we didn’t want to add to that. It was no problem, it’s just that we can’t really keep doing it.”

“No, no. You don’t have to do it for me anymore. I’m sorry that you even had to do it once. I promise I’ll pay you and Lisa back. And I’ll talk to my Dad, see what’s going on with my money transfers. I can’t believe I didn’t notice that he didn’t send one last month, I feel so dumb. I’ll get it sorted though, I swear.” 

“Lucas, really, you don’t have to worry about paying us back for last month. It’s totally fine. I just wanted to let you know since rent is coming due in a few days and I know how your dad can be.”

How his dad can be. That was an understatement. His dad had abandoned Lucas and his mother when Lucas was only fifteen years old. He hadn’t even had the decency to tell Lucas he was leaving- Lucas had just come home from school one day to find his mom sobbing in her bed and unable to explain to Lucas what had happened. Lucas was only able to figure it out once he had realized that all of his father’s belongings were gone. His dad hadn’t even left a note. 

When Lucas had eventually moved out as well the following year, his dad had told him that he would cover his rent. Lucas assumed it must have been some kind of parental guilt over leaving Lucas behind and rarely trying to see his son, much less talk to him. As much as Lucas hated to accept anything from his father and be indebted to him in any way, he unfortunately hadn’t been in a position to turn down the offer. 

However, despite being the one to offer the money, Lucas’s dad had a habit of forgetting to transfer it. It seemed like every month, Lucas was having to text his father to request that his rent money be sent to him. And now, the one month that Lucas had forgotten to ask for the money, his dad hadn’t managed to remember on his own. Lucas figured he should probably have been disappointed in his father, but at this point the constant disappointment had shifted into resignation for how his father was and always would be.

“Don’t worry about it, Mika. I’ll talk to him. I’ll get it taken care of.” 

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. I’ll get you the money for rent by the end of the week, I promise.” 

“Well, as long as you’re sure,” Mika replied, giving Lucas’s leg a pat as he stood up from his bed. “Now come on, Lisa and I made breakfast, come and eat before it gets cold.” 

“Be there in a minute.” Lucas said as Mika made his way out of his bedroom. 

Lucas let out a deep sigh as he rubbed his hands over his face in frustration. So much for that hookup helping to relax him. 

\----------

On Monday, Lucas found himself in the university library with his good friend Imane. They were supposed to be getting a head start on their homework for the new semester, but Lucas found himself looking at his cell phone more often than not, distracted by thoughts of his father. He still hadn’t found it in himself to text him, even though he knew he needed to sooner rather than later. It was just that talking with his dad brought up all sorts of painful feelings, feelings that Lucas didn’t want to deal with anytime soon. 

“Lucas.”

Imane’s words cut through Lucas’s thoughts and he snapped his eyes up from his phone to look at her. Her eyebrows were furrowed together in concern and Lucas knew he must have really been spaced out for Imane to show clear worry rather than giving him a sarcastic comment. 

“Yeah, sorry, I’m here.” replied Lucas, turning his phone upside down as if that would prevent any future distractions. 

“Are you okay? I know I give you a hard time, but you’re usually a lot more helpful and a lot less distracted than you are today.” 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Lucas said, letting out a sigh. “I’m sorry, it’s just my dad forgot to send the money for my rent this month, and now I have to deal with actually talking to him to see what's going on, and that’s always a nightmare.” 

Imane made a noise of sympathy, nodding her head in understanding. 

“I’m sorry, Lucas.”

Her words were short, but Lucas appreciated them all the same. Him and Imane understood each other, and they didn’t need many words to communicate. Her quiet comfort was exactly what someone like Lucas needed. She didn’t force him to talk, didn’t force him to relive uncomfortable feelings. She was just there, and it was perfect. 

“Thanks, Imane.” Lucas replied and with a final smile at each other, they returned to working on their homework together in relative silence, only breaking the peace to ask what the other had gotten as an answer or to bicker if they didn’t agree. Engaging in such a familiar action was soothing to Lucas and he felt his anxiety slowly melt away. 

“Hey, Imane, Lucas.”

At the sound of his name, Lucas’s head snapped up and he was face to face with Eliott Demaury’s smiling face. Eliott was best friends with Imane’s brother Idriss and Lucas had run into him on a number of occasions because of this. Eliott was also unfairly attractive- _pretty_ as Lucas’s friend Basile had once described him- with his light gray eyes and friendly smile that made his eyes turn into half moons. Lucas had once nursed a crush on him, as any guy appreciative of the male form would, until he had found out that Eliott was very much straight and very much in love with his long-term girlfriend Lucille. Oh well, Lucas was still glad to look at him any time the opportunity presented itself. 

“Hi Eliott,” Imane said easily. “What are you doing here?”

“Oh, just seeing if I can find some books I’m going to need for an art history paper. Last time I waited too long and all of the useful books had already been checked out, so thought I would get a head start this time.” Eliott replied, running one of his hands through his hair. Lucas noticed how big the hand was and bit his lip in interest. He may have just gotten laid recently, but he still had eyes.

“That makes sense. Lucas and I are trying to get a head start on work ourselves.” 

“Of course,” Eliott laughed. “Idriss is always saying how you two study too much.” 

Imane rolled her eyes. 

“And Idriss studies too little.”

Eliott laughed again and then turned his attention to Lucas. Lucas blinked at once again being faced with Eliott’s beauty head-on. God, he was _so_ gay. 

“Hey, Lucas, you work at that coffee shop near campus, right? _The Split Bean_?”

“Yeah, I work there,” Lucas replied, a bit confused about how Eliott knew that. “Why?” 

“Oh, I just applied for a job there the other day and have an interview tomorrow. Put in a good word for me?” 

“Oh yeah, sure. No problem.” 

“Great!” Eliott said, and Lucas found himself the recipient of one of Eliott’s dazzling smiles. “Well, hopefully I see you around then?”

“Yeah, hopefully.” 

And with that, Eliott gave a final goodbye nod to Imane and then headed up the library stairs, presumably to where the books about art were housed. Lucas wished he could say that he didn’t check out Eliott’s ass as he walked away, but that would have been a lie. Like he said… he had eyes and he was very gay. Sue him. However, once he managed to tear his eyes away from the glorious sight of Eliott’s butt in tight jeans, he realized Imane was watching him, a considering look on her face that had Lucas feeling uncomfortable in an instant. 

“What?” he said defensively, not liking how Imane seemed to be reading him. She always was too perceptive for her own good. 

“Nothing,” Imane replied. “Eliott’s just a good guy.”

“I guess? What does that have to do with me?” 

“Nothing, you’re right. Let’s go back to studying.”

Lucas held in his urge to let out a deep breath as Imane finally looked away from him and returned her attention to her textbook. He’s not sure what Imane thought, but the facts remained that Lucas was in the closet and Eliott was very much straight. Nothing would ever happen between them, no matter if Lucas ever found the courage to come out. Lucas had accepted that fact long ago. Eliott Demaury was off limits and would forever remain so. 

\----------

As he was walking out of the science building after class on Wednesday, Lucas decided that it was time to finally just do it. He couldn’t keep putting it off: he had told Mika he would get the rent money to him by the end of the week, and it was mid-week already. Lucas took a deep breath and pulled out his phone and typed and sent off a text to his father before he could think about it too much.

_Dad, I need the money for rent. You forgot it last month and my roommates had to cover it for me. Send it to me by the end of the week please._

Lucas let out a deep sigh, getting the strange off-balance feeling he always got when he had to speak with his father, even if it was just via text message. Just then, Lucas’ phone began to ring. Lucas felt his heart drop when he saw that it was his dad calling. The absolute last thing he wanted to do was actually speak to his father and hear his voice, but he knew that his dad would not send the money if Lucas purposely ignored the call. Lucas forced himself to quickly hit the accept button, knowing that if he stalled, too much dread would overcome him and he wouldn’t have been able to bring himself to do it. 

“Yeah?” Lucas answered as a hello. 

“Lucas. How are you?” 

“I’m fine, Dad. What do you want?” Lucas dug his fingernails into his palm as a way to ground himself. Just hearing his dad’s voice made his skin crawl and brought back too many unpleasant memories that Lucas did not want to be reminded of. 

“Have you been to see your mother lately?”

“What business is that of yours?”

“Lucas…”

“Don’t ‘Lucas’ me, Dad. You have some nerve asking me about Mom.” 

“I know you’re still upset with me, but one day you’ll see that there was nothing I could do. That I did the only thing I could.” 

“Really? Leaving your son behind was the only thing you could do? Not even letting me know that you were planning on leaving, not even leaving a _note?_ ”

“Lucas, I don’t want to talk about this right now. I just want to know if you’ve seen your mother recently.” 

Lucas scoffed at his father’s words. Of course he didn’t want to talk about it right now. He never did. Never could own up to his actions, to what he did to Lucas, to his mom. 

“I saw her at Christmas.” 

“That was nearly a month ago. Don’t you think you should have lunch with her soon?”

“Again: it is not your business what time I spend with Mom. Nothing with Mom is your business anymore.”

“Lucas, I think you should think about having lunch with your mother.”

“And I think you should just transfer me the money for my rent and stop needing me to remind you every month.” 

Lucas heard his dad sigh from the other side of the line. Good. He was annoying him. Lucas’ father was typically so detached that Lucas took pleasure in eliciting any type of emotion from him, even annoyance. 

“Fine. You’ll have the money today. But if you want the money for next month, I suggest you go see your mother soon.” 

“Are you serious right now?” Lucas couldn’t believe it. Was his father actually doing this-threatening to take away Lucas’s means of supporting himself just so Lucas would do what he wanted him to do? 

When Lucas received no reply, he pulled his phone away from his ear and looked at the screen. Typical- his dad had hung up on him. He never could handle any kind of confrontation- ran away from it just like he ran away from Lucas and his mom once they became too much to handle. Lucas let out a deep sigh of frustration. 

“Fucking dick.” he muttered to himself. 

After that conversation, there was no way Lucas would be able to go home without calming down. And so, he decided to take a walk around campus. Taking long walks is something he took up in high school when the stress of his home life became too much. It allowed him to get out of his home, but it also allowed him time to think, time for him to gather his thoughts and try to find his clarity. In fact, it was on a walk that he realized he was gay- that the way he felt about Yann and the way he traced his features with his eyes when they were together was not something platonic. 

As Lucas continued to walk, lost in his thoughts, he looked up to notice that he was in a part of campus that he hadn’t been to before. It seemed to be relatively isolated from the rest of the buildings- almost like a garden oasis of some sort. There were various types of flowers blooming everywhere and plenty of trees to provide shade. It was actually quite peaceful and as Lucas spotted a bench sitting amongst the flowers, he headed towards it, suddenly feeling exhausted from the weight of all of the emotions the phone call with his father had conjured up.

Once he reached the bench a short distance away, Lucas sank down onto it, propping his elbows on his knees and leaning down to rest his face in his heads. He took slow deep breaths, trying to calm his racing heart and center his thinking from where they were still all jumbled. When he felt his heartbeat begin to slow a little, he leaned back and as he did so, noticed something on the bench he hadn’t seen before. 

It appeared to be a journal of some sort. At first, Lucas thought that someone must have forgotten it, but he then noticed that the journal was tethered to the bench with a cable and was emblazoned with a title of “Shared Stories” on the outside. It was hardbound, with the pages inside a bit welted, likely from the journal being exposed to the elements and being rained on. Lucas scooted down the bench to get closer to the journal so he could open it. 

When he opened the journal, Lucas found words written on the inside cover: 

_This journal has been placed here to help all who come across it. Share your thoughts, your stories, your biggest fears, your long-held secrets, and strongest desires. Read through everyone’s eles entries and realize that you aren’t alone, no matter how much it may seem like you are._

Whoa. Lucas had never seen something like this, but it seemed like a really cool idea. A way to talk with others while remaining anonymous? His curiosity peaked, Lucas decided to look through the journal to see what he may find. 

As Lucas riled through the pages, he saw entries about stressing over finals, drama with a significant other or friends, agonizing over what life after graduation would be like, and entries about just having started at university and feeling lost. Some entries were signed, either with an actual name or a social media username. Most, however, appeared to be anonymous. Intrigued about the last time the journal had been used, Lucas flipped forward to the most recent entry. It was dated only a few days prior. Curious about what had last been shared, Lucas began to read.

_I just feel so alone. My friends say they understand, but they don’t. None of them know what it’s like. What it’s like to feel like you don’t have control over yourself, over your own thoughts, your own actions. What it’s like to lose control and do stupid embarrassing shit that you don’t even remember doing until later. What it’s like to just lay in bed all day, wishing you were dead so you could stop being a burden on everyone in your life._

_I know I should be grateful to have people who care, people who still care even after some of the crap I’ve done. But I’m so tired of feeling this way. I thought things would get better after my diagnosis. I thought I would have a better handle on things by now. But things haven’t gotten better. I still don’t have control. Fuck, I’m such a failure that I’m writing in this stupid journal rather than actually going to the therapist my doctor recommended to me. I don’t even know why I am doing this. It’s not like anyone reading this actually cares. But whatever, it’s done now._

Fuck. Lucas wasn’t expecting like this- something so raw, so emotional, so obviously full of pain. And while he hadn’t experienced some of the things this unknown person wrote about, he did know what it was like to feel alone, like no one understood him, and like he had no control over his life. The words struck a chord with him that he wasn’t expecting when he stumbled across the journal and he knew he wouldn’t be forgetting them any time soon. 

And Lucas- Lucas wasn’t sure why he did it, but he carefully dug in his bag until he found a pen, pulled it out, uncapped it and put the tip of it to the blank space below the most recent entry, the one that had made him feel so much. 

And he began to write. 

**Author's Note:**

> so...what do you think? please don't hesitate to let me know in comments, they are always appreciated as well as kudos! this is something different than I usually write and I'm curious if it's something that people would be interested in reading? i have a lot of fun things planned for it, so let me know! fyi: journals like these exist around reykjavik (though more about sharing where you are traveling from), and that's where the idea for this fic came from. 
> 
> as always thank you so much for reading and feel free to hit me up on my tumblr: adventuresofaphrodite


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